Essay: "Haters Gonna Hate"

You know which phone first had iTunes? The Motorola Rokr. I have been the proud owner of this phone since around 2006. It was not great back then, and like most mobile phones, it did not exactly age like a fine wine. And so although I’ve got a Blackberry through my work, it’s time for a new phone, probably.


All my music is in iTunes, and although I’m sure there’s a way to convert it to work on an Android, it's probably at least a minor pain. Also, one of the main reasons I want a smartphone is to get some of those neat GPS apps for running and mountain biking, and it looks like the ones I want are Apple exclusives. So after some consideration, I decided that logically, the iPhone is my best bet.

But can I be honest? So far, I have literally not been able to bring myself to do it. I go on the Rogers website, I look at the phones, and I picture holding an iPhone in my hand, and I feel a little ill. I just don’t want to be one of those douchebags dicking around with an iPhone. I fucking hate Apple.

Like any good hipster, I will now point out that I have disliked Apple long before it was “cool” to do so. I think my dislike began to arise in university, when people started installing dayglo orange desktops in their dorm rooms. These computers, I was told, were better than PCs.

Never mind that they were 50% more expensive than PCs but were not compatible with most software (including virtually all games). Never mind most of their owners never used them for anything other than word processing, watching videos and surfing the Internet, and so it is difficult to understand how their comparative performance was relevant to anything. And never mind that the claims about Apple’s superior reliability never actually seem to be supported by boring, stupid reality (my Dell desktop has given me no problems for four years, and my Dell laptop gave me no problems for three years before that, something that cannot seemingly be said for most of my friends who own Macs, iPhones and iPads).

My negative impression was intensified by various factors, including those “I’m a Mac/I’m a PC” ads, and the increasing ubiquity of Apple products, but my main concern remained the same. I was annoyed by how everyone thought Macs were so great, when they aren’t. Apple fans are irrational, and that bugs me.

But the hilarious thing is: we’ve already established that the “rational” thing for me to do is buy an iPhone. So my refusal to just suck it up and do so means that I’m irrational too!

Let’s stop for a moment and perform a simple exercise. You’ve read this far. Take a deep breath and examine your own feelings. I will bet you that you are feeling one of two things. Option one: you are smirking and thinking “preach on brother!” and getting ready to post links to those anti-Apple Samsung ads in my comments (best part: when the one douchebag is all like: “I could never buy a Samsung. I’m too creative!” Ha ha, douchebag!) Option two: you are getting just a wee-bit huffy, and thinking things like: “I didn’t buy an iPhone to be cool, but according to the dictates of pure logic” or “well, my Mac has never crashed and stupid Windows does all the time!” and if you post something, it will likely be a slightly stiff defence of your own purchasing decisions masquerading as a recommendation that I go ahead and buy an iPhone.

I suspect you have a dog in this fight, even if you care about this issue less than me, or the average fellow. Even if you don’t, I guarantee you do about something else: Coke or Pepsi? Marvel or D.C.? Playstation or Xbox or Nintendo Wii? Our thoughts and opinions are motivated by a lot more than pure reason, not the least of which is cognitive dissonance (if you want to read a fun blog about this stuff, google "you are not so smart").

I find it amazing how this works:

1) Apple fans are irrationally enthusiastic Apple products (even to the point of thinking it makes them “special” to own the least special phone in North America);

2) This irrationality makes me angry; but

3) My anger is directed at Apple itself, which is not only irrational, but is actually forcing me to act against my own interests (I still own a fucking Rokr, for god’s sake!)

Scientists have labeled this the Tim Tebow affect. You know Tim Tebow. Every game he goes 10 for 22 with one touchdown and 80 yards rushing. If his team wins 10 – 7, he is assigned sole credit for the victory due to his mysterious and intangible qualities that are not reflected in the score sheet. This makes everyone hate Tim Tebow, notwithstanding his repeated and desperate attempts to point out the contributions of the other members of his team. Because we irrationally hate him for the irrational support of his fans, we do the same thing his fans do, just in reverse. For instance, Tebow’s critics assigned him sole responsibility for his team’s 45-10 defeat in the playoffs, although it was obviously not his fault that his team’s defence was so utterly shredded.

Everyone is biased, some people say, and we should all just admit our biases up front. This argument is generally made by idiots as a last ditch attempt to avoid admitting they are idiots, or in defence of bullshit rightwing media outlets like Fox News or Sun TV. So sorry there Mr. Pilate, but we are not all “biased.” Someone saying that their Mac is more “reliable” than a PC without a reasonable basis is wrong. There is such a thing as truth and it is possible to find it through reasoned, dispassionate discourse. You can have reasonable discussions even about inherently subjective subjects, like the merit of a work of art.

But it has been proven again and again that we don’t make our decisions on the basis of pure reason. Instead, what we believe to be reasoned, dispassionate discourse is almost always motivated (though to greatly varying extents) by irrational or emotional concerns that float just below the surface of our mind, like crocodiles.

I think it comes down to this: the more aware you are of your own biases, the more likely it is that they will not affect your decision-making. On the other hand, the surer you are in the rightness of your cause or your team, the more likely it is that you are a prisoner of forces in your brain that you don’t understand. Ironically, the more offended you are by the irrationality of others, the more likely you are to be succumbing to the same force yourself. Like Nietzsche said: he who fights with monsters should take care not to become a monster, because when you look into the abyss, the abyss looks into you.

I still don’t know if I can buy an iPhone. But if I can’t, I guess I better take back all the trash I talked about the dopes with their colorful computers. Life takes you funny places sometimes.