Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Essay: "Regrets"

The greatest disservice done to our generation was that we were told we should do what we were “passionate” about. It’s not our parents fault; they were trying to be nice. They may also have been trying to make up for the mistakes of their parents, or the regrets of their own lives.

A palliative nurse who wrote a book about the regrets of the dying said that number one was “I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.” The lesson, I guess, is that we’d all be happier pursuing our passions.

The problem is that by definition, all of the nurses' patients had managed to make it to old age. Likely most of them had worked a “regular job” for their lives and not sacrificed everything to follow their passion. And since people, by definition, can only regret doing what they did and failing to do what they didn’t do, their greatest “regret” will be working a regular job and not pursuing their passions.

If this palliative care nurse had instead worked in a trauma unit for people injured in skateboarding accidents, she’d probably hear all about how they wished they’d become accountants so they didn’t have ruptured scrotums and shattered tibuals. Likewise, if she worked in a drug rehab clinic in LA, no doubt she’d hear all about how her patients wished they hadn’t followed their dreams to Hollywood, and instead stayed home and worked a factory job.

It's the story of the priest who pointed out that many men who were saved from drowning talk of how they were saved by praying to god, only to have the skeptic reply that those who drowned probably prayed too. People who chase their dreams are not necessarily happy.

Another problem is the assumption that people at the end of their lives have a special clarity of vision. But opportunities always look bigger going rather than coming. While we live our lives, achieving difficult goals seems impossible, and then when it’s too late to try, we tell ourselves “I could have done this if I’d just worked harder.”

The truth is somewhere in the middle. You can’t win if you don’t play, and you might legitimately regret that you didn't try your best to do what you "really wanted."  But the math just doesn’t add up for “following your passion”. Too many people want to be hockey players, movie stars, and congressmen, and too few want to be garbage men, telemarketers, and those guys that mop up sweat when an NBA player falls on the ground. At the end of the day, we can’t all be best-selling authors or NHL general managers.  We are all passionate about the same things.  If we all just followed our passions, loads of us wouldn't make it.  And anyway, there is still the inconvenient fact movie stars and pro athletes don't really seem much happier than regular people.

There’s a funny quote by Mark Twain about the inconsistence of our consciences.  He takes the example of a tramp begging at the door. If he lies and says he has no food for the tramp, his conscience upbraids him as dishonest. If he is brutal and says he doesn't give food to tramps, his conscience upbraids him as cruel. And if he gives food to the tramp, his conscience upbraids him as encouraging begging.

We will all have regrets in our life. Don’t work hard and spend time with your kids? Regret not having a fancy job. The reverse? Regret not being close enough to the brats. This is why we get treated to an endless series of articles on the fascinating subject of whether women can “have it all”, whatever that means.

This was a lesson I had to learn after I left the firm where I articled. I was done school, I had a little money, I was called to the bar. In other words, it was time to do what I was passionate about. But I was paralyzed. What was I passionate about, really, now that I could do anything at all? It was a very unpleasant experience.

What I really learned is that there is nothing magical about taking time off, sitting around, and thinking about what you want to do. You don’t learn what you want to do by thinking about it from first principles. You learn by trying to do things, and seeing what you like. You may be surprised.

And? Well, it’s three years later, and things are great. Am I doing what I’m passionate about?  I try to be passionate about what I do, and it’s not hard, because what I do is interesting and the people I work with are good people. By the time I die I am sure I will have many regrets. I am working on a collection.

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